How I found my birth mother: A story of hope
I was abandoned by my mother when I was two, but it’s okay now.
Key points
Fractured relationships are common in many people’s lives
Quality relationships are a key to higher life satisfaction
My mother abandoned us when I was two
We have a good relationship today
Take small steps when re-engaging
The therapeutic benefit of letting go of resentment
On being bigger than your circumstances.
Prefer to listen?
Image by Jan Tinneberg on Unsplash
Your success in the second half has less to do with career or money and more to do with the quality of your relationships
One of the saddest things I see is people with weak, stressed, or fractured relationships with those they could be, and indeed ought to be, having fun, warm, and loving connections with. These connections might be with a parent, a spouse (or ex), a child, or an old friend.
It's even worse when those fractures have been maintained for years and sometimes decades. Initially, they may not have been deliberately maintained. Still, over time and in the absence of the other party making what you perceive to be any effort to reciprocate or restore what has been lost, I think if we're honest, we can inadvertently end up hanging on to the problem either by avoidance or, dare I say it, subtle sabotage.
Two things relevant to living a life that matters
Firstly, good relationships are very important for you
If you're familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of human needs, you'll know that we need some safe, warm and loving relationships for human flourishing. If we don't have them or take steps to avoid poor relationships, our peace, joy and contentment are at stake. We humans can't handle that state for long and so we try to compensate by keeping busy, starting a host of new things, or putting our time and energy into pursuits. However, at the end of the day - literally - when all is quiet, and you're at home sitting and having a cuppa, there will still be that quiet voice reminding you that something is broken that shouldn't be.
Secondly, we live in community - good relationships are important to others
We're both solo and relationship beings. So, at the very least, your life can matter to others because that's how healthy communities work. In other words, part of your life's attention, time, and effort should consciously cultivate relationships because they are the primary carriers of connection, belonging, and valuable reciprocal action at both personal and Societal levels. And anyway, far too many people near you and I are lonely, disconnected, and sad. It's partly the way things are and partly an indictment of our modern way of life.
Relationships are the primary carriers of connection, belonging, and valuable reciprocal action at both personal and Societal levels.
Being noticed is a deep-seated need we all have. Many elderly folks say that one of the worst things about growing old is that you feel like no one sees you anymore.
What an excellent opportunity to make a difference in our communities by noticing, and showing curiosity and care towards others. I do this regularly when doing handyman jobs for older people. The way their eyes light up when you offer to sit and have a cuppa is priceless.
Here’s what happened (as far as I know)
For the sake of brevity, I'm crunching a big story here, so please hold any thoughts of judgment for now. But, yes, back in 1962, my birth mother just walked out the door and left me and my Dad behind. I was just two. Poor Dad was angry and humiliated - justifiably so - and we soon left the engineering town we lived in and returned to Wellington.
Dad had to figure out what the hell to do, where we'd live, and so on. He remarried a few years later, and he and Mum are still happily together in 2024.
As I grew up, my parents made sure I knew a little about my birth mother, including giving me a photograph of her when I was 21. But, essentially, I had no real idea of what had happened, why, nor where she'd gone.
Fast forward a few decades
In 1996, when I was 35, my ex-wife felt we should make contact with my birth mother due to the impending difficult birth of our third child. I was a bit ambivalent. However, we contacted her by mail and received an unexpectedly positive reply. About three months later, after we'd moved to Auckland as a family with a newborn baby, we decided to meet my birth mother in person.
Gently does it
Given the circumstances of her leaving, I was highly aware that she might be feeling anxious, scared, uncertain and unsure of what to expect from me. So, I consciously chose to adopt a friendly, relaxed, calm welcome and immediately reassured her that everything was fine, I would not ask difficult questions, and would she like to come in and have a cup of tea? It was a very positive first meeting. I deliberately withheld any judgment of her or her actions all those years ago. I just wanted to see where it would all go.
I have another brother and sister!
To summarise, we've now enjoyed another 30 years of warm, friendly catch-ups, family meals, walks, and visits. As it turned out, I had a half-brother called Robert and a half-sister called Jacky. We have a nice, amicable relationship and meet up from time to time.
My ex-wife and children developed a nice, warm, caring relationship with my birth mother, and so have my second wife and her elderly father.
I still don't really know what exactly happened back in 1962 because discussions about it have tended not to get very far. I've tried to enquire gently yet firmly on a few occasions. But I suspect there is significant denial at play or even some form of psychological blocking on her part. There may be things I've never been told that were perhaps too embarrassing or regretful? I don't know. But you know what, it doesn't really matter enough to me to warrant pursuing the origin story. I'm happy to have a nice relationship with my birth mother instead.
My identity and life story are intact, and I'm OK with that.
I've accepted the variations in life and the things that happened. The parts of our stories that shouldn't have been but were. No one is perfect. We all carry within us seeds of greatness but also weeds of waste.
Why share this story?
As you know, I want to live a life and do work that matters and help others do the same. So, by telling this story, I hope to highlight two things:
1. One of the most important aspects of life is the quality of our relationships. By paying attention to them and cultivating positive growth insofar as it's within us to do so, we would be doing ourselves and others a massive favour. One that, according to psychological research into life satisfaction, is a critical element of a good life. So, this is one of those things that should be near the top of our list in life - cultivating warm, loving relationships. Or at least, open good ones.
2. If you're estranged from your parent, grandparent, child or friend, regardless of what happened and why, can you see it in yourself to put that behind you and choose to try to reach out in kindness? Sure, we can't guarantee the other party will come to the party (as it were), but (a) it's worth doing what *you* can, and (b) they might. Even if it's not reciprocated, wanting to improve relationships and doing what you can to see it happen will lighten your burden. Plus, it's the right thing to do because if the roles were reversed, it's what you'd want the other party to do.
So, even if:
they left you/abandoned you/walked out
they stopped talking to you because of some disagreement
they don't get in touch because it's too painful or awkward
they're a pain in the ass when you get together, and you leave feeling drained or frustrated
you're sick of the same old stories again
you don't deserve this
be smarter,
be better,
be wiser.
Reach out in love with an open heart and mind. Show some kindness. Hold expectations low for a while.
See where it goes from there.
At the very least, don't hold frustrations, judgement and grudges. Let them go. They weigh far too much and are simply not worth it.
My son Matt sharing photos with my birth mother
Over to you
How does this story make you feel?
What comes to mind for you?
Who might you need to improve a relationship with?
What’re possible next steps?
Know someone who might enjoy this?
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