Key points

• Each one of us has a true, genuine Self that brings our potential to the world.

• But many talented people bury their Self under other people’s expectations.

• They can also lose their real identity due to life’s responsibilities piling up.

• Around midlife, it’s important to rediscover yourself and let it emerge.

• To find your way forward, ask with your head and listen with your heart.

Prefer to listen?

Your true self can easily hide behind other’s expectations

In the movie WYGB? Cate Blanchett plays the role of Bernadette Fox, a highly talented and respected architect who, after having one of her masterpiece buildings torn down by a belligerent rich guy soon after he bought it, walked away from it all and went underground. Professionally, anyway.

For quite a few years, as she attended to her own family’s needs, with the odd renno project on the side, she slowly became more and more anxious, stressed, depressed, and, frankly, weird.

She was insular, avoiding any normal social contact with others, and got a little manic and even paranoid at times.

It got to the point where her husband, a brilliant mathematician and computer scientist, took steps to get her professional help. As it turned out, the core issue was that she was an inspired, genius creator...

...who was no longer creating.

That part of her that brought about life, energy and purpose had been shut down.

In the movie, it was not until she gave herself again to that which was her essence, her raison d'être that she regained her energy, her resilience and her genius.

In short, she found herself.

Why people can lose themselves

Many people bury who they really are at some point in their lives. It may be due to parental expectations influencing their choice of career. It may be that they change significantly to accommodate their partner’s trajectory. It might be that they lost faith in themselves because they thought that who they really were wasn’t good enough, or wasn’t a fit with the accepted views of what was normal in society.

Often, it can be less obvious than any of these reasons.

It might be that they simply got left behind as they accumulated more and more roles and responsibilities of:

• Being a parent of one or a few children

• Juggling changing financial pressures

• Dealing with ageing parents

• Handling financial challenges

• Trying to juggle work, perhaps.

They just got left behind.

The thing is, if you leave someone behind for long enough they pass completely out of sight; like a train that eventually rounds a bend and then loses sight of the station it just left.

Do you feel like you’ve lost sight of yourself?

Do you feel, like Bernadette Fox, that you’ve ended up playing someone else’s life and your real self has gotten buried?

And maybe, as a result, your life, career, habits, preferences, and lost dreams have gradually made you anxious, stressed, irritable even?

Do you ever wonder where the real you has gone?

Or do you sometimes hear the faint knocking from deep down below somewhere?

If you do, can I encourage you to consider the following

1. Don’t ignore it.

2. Don’t bury it again. Don’t try to start something new to mask the vague unease.

3. At the very least, talk to a trusted friend about it - to give voice to it.

4. Write down your current thoughts and feelings - even if you haven’t got any answers.

5. Find some way of taking small steps to either become more honest with yourself or stop something that’s getting in the way of the truth:

• A commitment maybe.

• Or a habit.

• Or a way of talking to yourself that’s unhelpful.

• Or spending time with people who wear you down.

Ask with your head, “Where’d I go?”

And listen for the answer with your heart.

And whatever you do, resolve to stop walking that path and, instead, find the courage to walk the road you’re meant to be on.

Know someone who might enjoy this?

You might also like these

Need a sounding board? Want to feel heard? Looking for an experienced coach or mentor?

If you want to talk about an idea, a situation or get a feel for what working with me as a coach and mentor might be like, click the button below to email me and I will get back to you as soon as I can.